our screwy life

i am sitting on my green glider rocker that was meant for the baby room. instead it is in the living room, which is the new baby room. we moved the crib, etc... downstairs when we realized that it would be hard to take rowan up and down the steps, due to the heavy equipment he is attached to. there is a nurse sitting at the table across the way, charting. she's here to watch rowan while me and billy sleep upstairs. i barely know her, really just met her, but it's her job to watch rowan and make sure he stays safe through the night. so here she is, charting in my living room. it's strange what we can adapt to if we have to. billy is watching a documentary on west virginia coal-miners. there's a lady singing about black lungs. rowan makes a noise and the nurse gets up to soothe him. i am immediately jealous. that should be me, not some stranger. but she's just doing her job and he's going back to sleep and here i am typing about it all. when i was pregnant i was excited to have one of those basinettes that hook on to the side of the bed so you can just reach over and touch your baby if he stirs in his sleep. instead he sleeps on a different floor and if i want to go see him in the middle of the night i have to explain myself to a stranger in my living room. now the lady on tv is singing about unions and picket lines. the nurse is opening a bag of pretzels. i am still rocking in my glider and ro is still asleep. i am so thankful for our weird, frustrating, scary, fucked up lives.